Monday, July 26, 2010

Cracking the code

Okay, okay, that was mean! I didn't even explain what my previous post meant, for those of you lucky enough not to speak infertility! Here's the original:

I stopped BCPS and have been TTC for over 5 years. I am so tired of the POC; and holding my FMU to take my BBT...just to get a BFN after a stressful/exciting 2WW before AF arrives to ruin my day. Gotta CIO again.

And the translation:

I stopped Birth Control Pills and have been Trying To Conceive for over 5 years. I am so tired of the Process of Conception, and holding my First Morning Urine to take my Basal Body Temperature...just to get a Big Fat Negative (pregnancy test) after a stressful/exciting 2 Week Waiting period before Aunt Flow arrives to ruin my day. Gotta go Cry It Out again.

I will post a list of more abbreviations're gonna need 'em!

Sunday, July 25, 2010 a nutshell


  • I have more than 10 books on "how to get pregnant"
  • I have a basal thermometer
  • I have an ovulation monitor 
  • I have an OV Watch
  • I have a saliva microscope
  • I have tried charting
  • I have expensive, semen-friendly lubricant
  • I have fallen asleep on my back with my legs in the air, or a pillow shoved under my hips
  • I no longer feel butterflies when I take a pregnancy test...why bother? I know the answer is no
  • I sometimes wish there was a stork that would drop a baby off on my porch
  • I can speak to you in codes: I stopped BCPS and have been TTC for over 5 years. I am so tired of the POC; and holding my FMU to take my BBT...just to get a BFN after a stressful/exciting 2WW before AF arrives to ruin my day. Gotta CIO again. 

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother

I've seen this on several different fertility websites and blogs. I'm not sure who "Anonymous" is, but I can definitely relate with the sentiment!

Thoughts on Becoming a Mother
...There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books,
but because I have struggled and toiled for this child.
I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed.
I have endured and planned over and over again.
Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child.
I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life.
I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see.
Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love.
I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain.
I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall.
I have prevailed.
I have succeeded.
I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs.
I listen.
And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immerse power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.
I have learned to appreciate life.
Yes I will be a wonderful mother. -- Anonymous

Baby Lost

3/10/10 (Repost)

Baby Lost
by Me

Six years gone by, I still question why
In a painful rush you left the womb
Never really here, but gone too soon
We never got to meet you
Or count your fingers and toes
Don't know if you had Daddy's eyes
Or Mommy's monkey toes
I never held you at my breast
You never laid on Daddy's chest
You left before we knew you were there
Yet I carry you with me everywhere.

Is it better to know or not know?

2/01/10 (Repost)

So I got an email from California Psychic's offering me a free 10 minute reading. After much deliberation and deleting, undeleting, deleting again, then undeleting again, I decided to make the call and have my two burning questions answered: 1. Will I get a job soon? 2. Will my husband and I ever have kids?

The psychic I spoke to was nice, if a little cold. She said she was a straight-forward psychic and would tell me what she saw, not what I wanted to hear. (My first thought? Uh-oh.)

So my first question...I have been out of work for 6 months, will I get a job soon? Her answer - "I'm not gonna say the word communications, but I do see you in a position where you'll be wearing a headset." This was a little worthy of a head scratch...can you vague that up a little? My first thought was that could be anything from phone sex to working the McDonald's drive thru, right?

On to my second question...My hubby & I have been trying for a baby for over 4 years...will we ever have kids? Her answer - "Have you seen a specialist yet? There are so many options out there. But I definitely don't see your future as just being the two of you. You've recently spent a significant amount of time with a precocious little boy who has sparked something inside you. He's made you see what you are missing in your life and how much you are aching for motherhood." Still kinda vague about the if or when...but WOW, was she right about being sparked by a little boy...or three. My recent visit with my nephews sure did bring out my nurturing side even more, and yes, I do ache for motherhood.